I told you guys I’d be back and here I am! Sort of bummed this is my comeback review but here we go!
The Cabin in the Woods (2012) Dir. Drew Goddard Writ. Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard Stars: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Fran Kranz Rated R 95 mins. Horror, Thriller IMDB 7.0
To begin with, I’m not a horror fan. I’ve said this before, so if you’re an old readier, you will know this. That said, one of the reasons I watched this is that it was described by many by ‘not a horror movie’.
It wasn’t a horror movie, no, but it wasn’t a good movie either.
That’s pretty blunt, but it’s just true. This movie was 95 minutes of bad acting – and I don’t just mean Chris Hemsworth’s horrible American accent – that I thought at first was on purpose, only I then realized it wasn’t. It was just bad.
It was a shocker that this movie was so bad because A) everybody I know had praised it as so cool and interesting, and B) I generally like anything written by Joss Whedon. And you could definitely taste the Joss Whedon influence in this film, but it wasn’t a good thing for once.
The movie had no build up, there was no point in half the characters, there was no suspense at all, it didn’t even have impressive moments… all in all it was just a short, pointless excuse to splash a lot of blood on people. The plot of the movie is that a group of college kids go to a cabin in the woods and it’s meant to be like a set-up of a classic horror movie where everything is being controlled behind the scenes by a strange government organization for some Greater Purpose. Our main character has no personality and all we know is that she’s a virgin named Dana. All we know about Marty is that he’s a stoner who seems smarter than everybody else. All we know about Curt and Jules is that they’re a couple. All we know about Holden is that he’s a guy that I guess Jules was trying to set up with Dana? Who knows. They were all utterly irrelevant.
The true amazement in this movie is how utterly pointless 95 minutes of film can actually end up being. The only thing that I enjoyed watching this whole movie was seeing Sigourney Weaver on my TV screen since I love her immensely.
All in all, it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, it was just pointless. There was no reason to watch that movie other than to say, “Yes, I’ve seen The Cabin in the Woods.”
My Rating: 5/10